i love lamp: jokes on me

for almost 20 years i have been telling the same lame but highly amusing joke. it is a great joke. the best. so good in fact that in 1995 keith faulkner wrote a children's pop up book about it. it is called... the wide - mouthed frog

i remember when i first heard it... lord mayor’s summer camp, mornington peninsular, the year was 1990, I was 10 years old and suffering from a colossal sized crush on a camp leader.

his name was fynn. he had curly blonde hair, green eyes, and a dreamboat smile that made your heart flutter. i was a scraggle berry tom boy, freckled (sunscreen was just coming in) and rosy cheeked with a huge gap in my front teeth. it wasnt just our age difference that kept us apart.

we were all gathered around the fire one night, roasting marshmellow and some of the leaders were telling scary stories. suddenly it was fynn’s turn to tell a tale. the croud went silent. all eyes mesmorised by his angelic face glowing in the amber light of the fire. i lent across to get closer to him and singed my arm hair in the heat. i didn't care.

the story began...

'there once was a wide mouth frog who lived all the way at the bottom of a paddock in a quiet little pond. the wide mouth frog hadnt spoken to anyone else in years. one day he decided to venture out.

soon after he hopped from his home he ran into a platypus and said "ello i'm the wide mouth frog what do you do?" to which the platypus replied "well I live on land and in the water, and i am very clever". "oh that's nice" then he hopped along.

soon he came upon a fluffy looking bird to who he introduced himself to immediately. 'ello i'm the wide mouth frog, what do you do?'.

'hmmmm' said the bird 'well i use my wings to fly through the sky'

'well what do you know' scoffed the wide mouth frog as he jumped away.

as he was hopping along the wide mouth frog ran into a friendly looking field mouse. 'oh hello there, i'm the wide mouth frog, what do you do?'

'i eat cheese' exclaimed the happy mouse.

'that's very good' nodded the frog.

'i eat cheese' said the mouse again for good measure. the frog hopped away after that but i dont think the mouse noticed.

all over the land the wide mouth frogged jumped and hopped and bounced and tranced. he was having the best time.

on his journey home the wide mouth frog came across a menancing looking crocodile. he didnt have time to introduce himself properly as he was eating a fly so all that came out was 'ello there, what do you do?'

'i'm in charge of eating all the wide mouthed frogs in this area'